One Hundred Percent Despair
by rainbowparadoxes
Summary: Naegi, Hagakure and Togami go to Smiley Burger. A comedy.


HAGAKURE, TOGAMI AND NAEGI shuffled into the Smiley burger, their stomachs desperately growling for Burger had awful service. The waiters were usually either clingy and overly happy or they wouldn't look you in the eye. The employees had one rule that they were not allowed to break: They must constantly be smiling.

It was Togami's least favorite place to be. He sighed, falling back as though he had fainted; with a sqeal of fright, Hagakure and Naegi ran to grab him before he fell to the ground.

"Are you okay?!" cried Naegi.

"Of course I am," snapped Togami, still in the arms of his slavemonkeys. "What, you expected me to WALK?"

Hagakure nodded with his eyes closed. "I foresaw this," he whispered as he and Nachos carried in the surprisingly light Togami Byakuya.

"Don't embarrass me while we're in here," snapped Togami as though he were an Egyptian Pharoah ordering his servants. "The only reason I agreed to come was because I caught word that a very important man in the business world owns and works at this restaurant. He, like myself, is a young heir to a lot of money, but what most people don't know is that he- not his father- is responsible for their wealth. I've been _dying _to meet him."

Hagakure unceremoniously propped Togami into a booth chair near the window. He stood back a foot, looked at his work, realized that his ward was upside down and promtly corrected his error.

Togami brushed himself off. "_Commoners," _he spat. "You should be thanking me for allowing you the opportunity to bask in my presence."

"Sorry, man," said Hagakure. "I'm grateful!"

_Is he really giving in to him?! _Thought Naegi as he considered what delicious burger to order. Naegi really liked Smiley Burger. The food was pretty good, and the greasy walls and employees with forced smile reminded him of his childhood.

"You know, they have 100% pure beef burgers here!" said Naegi.

Hagakure's face twisted into a dark grimace.

"Hah!" scoffed Togami, "I doubt that. The commoner food you two are so used to is a pa-"

Hagakure jumped up on top of the table, grabbed his hair with one hand, pointed at Togami with the other and started jumping up and down.

"YOU'RE RIGHT!" screeched Hagakure. "THEY _AREN'T _100% PURE BEEF!"

One of the employees, Kirk, noticed the commontion. "Aw, man," said he, "not _this _again." Despite his concern, he returned his attention to his phone within moments. Some customers continued eating, used to Hagakure's outbursts. Others put down their grease balls burgers and stared. Togami and Naegi sat dumbstruck.

"Once," continued Hagakure, "just a couple of weeks ago, I came here to grab myself a sweet burger, right? Just a regular old hamburger, nothing special. I was like, 'whoa! 100% pure beef? I have to get in on that action!" Well, I _did. _I came in and I ordered a burger from _THAT GUY"_- here Hagakure pointed at Kirk, the aforementioned employee- "and took it home with me. Totally normal, right?"

Naegi opened his mouth to talk, but Hagakure grabbed a ketchup dispenser and closed the oraface before Nachos could speak.

"I got outside with the burger, and then a bright blue beam shot down from the sky and hit my nice meal! I'm telling you, it only hit the burger, and suddenly _it started floating in mid-air! _Then, one part of my burger disappeared and I was left with the remainder. Do you know what this means?"

Naegi raised his hand. Kirk, without looking up from his phone, gave him a high-five.

"It _means,_" Hagakure finished, "That the burger wasn't 100% beef at all, but that it had pork or chicken mixed in with it!"

The Ultimate Fortune Teller sat down calmly. Togami glared holes into his friend.

"Naegi," said Togami, "I need to _blink."_

Naegi, as he had often done, reached out and pulled Togami's eyelids down, then pushed them back up. Togami scowled. "Took you long enough," he muttered. Then, the heir of a fortune turned to the teller of fortunes. "I don't buy that story at all. If aliens _did _exist, I would have already bought patents to their technology."

Hagakure shrugged. "Think whatever you want," he said, his voice low. "But it's _true. _Anyway, come on, let's go buy some burgers!"

The three walked up to the cashier. He was a tallish, _very _scary young man about their age with weird black-and-white hair. The air around them seemed darker; his eyes were glowing brightly as though he were scoping out the weaknesses of the mortals before him. His smile was forced; his mouth twisted into a sick grimace for a moment, but the manager, a woman named Margaret, quickly turned around and whapped him on the head. It seemed as though the teen would have retaliated, but instead he clenched his teeth together, perhaps planning his future revenge on all who had caused him pain.

"Welcome to smiley burger, the happiest-pappiest, snappiest burger-best building in the West," mumbled the cashier. "How... may I... Help... you?"

Togami's eyes sparkled. _This guy gets me, _he thought.

Naegi ordered first. "I would like a hope burger, he said.

"One hope burger and a side of despair fries," called the cashier.

"No," snapped Naegi, "Just the hope burger. No despair fries."

The cashier rolled his eyes. "You can't have one without the other, _sir._" Somehow he made 'sir' into an insult.

Naegi looked hurt. "Can't you just, you know, give me the hope burger _without _the despair fries?"

"No," snapped the cashier as he dialed in the order. "_Next!"_

Hagakure slammed his large hands down onto the counter. "I want a pure, 100% beef burger!" he cried.

"Do you see this nametag?" asked the cashier.

"Yes," said Hagakure.

"What does it say?" asked Mr. Cashier.

"Carson," replied Hagakure.

"That's right," agreed Carson, speaking as though he were talking to a kindergartener. "Come back when it says 'Carson, Magician and Miracle Worker of America'. You're getting a cheeseburger, mortal."

"And one to go!" cried Hagakure. Carson punched that in, too.

"NEXT!"

"I will eat money," said Togami as he chewed on a one hundred dollar bill. "You are what you eat."

After receiving their meals (minus Togami who went healthy and brought his own lunch, as stated above) the three sat down at a table, ate, and left. It was dark; the moon lit the sky.

Suddenly a beam of blue light hit Hagakure's burger; as the three watched, the sandwich lifted into the sky, seperating into many pieces before dropping back into his hands.

A large chunk of the patty was missing.

And the three went home.

And they believed.


End file.
